Fact: There is no greater country to road trip than Australia. From its mythic-sized mango to its utopian wind farms, every slice of the countryside is a joy to behold.
However, there’s always a risk that one’s road trip self-implodes. That on day seven of your road trip, you snap at your driver for opening another packet of pungent kangaroo jerky. That on day nine, your group’s no longer on speaking terms.
Fortunately though, there’s a way to avoid such drama. You must follow the Ten Aussie Road Trip Commandments. And if you don’t know what these commandments are, then you have come to the right place.
Commandment One: Thou Shalt Not Mess With the Driver’s Tunes
Whoever’s in the driver’s seat, they get to be a dictating DJ. After all, you want them in the zone. You don’t want them distracted by a deluge of French rap music.
Commandment Two: Thou Shalt Mess With the Tunes If Contemporary Classical’s Played
However, that being said, some commandments are meant to be broken. No matter where you are in Australia, contemporary classical will ruin your road trip’s vibes. For music can be either contemporary or classical. To try and be both is obscene.
Commandment Three: Thou Shalt Spilt the Petrol Bill Equally
Whenever you rock up at a petrol station, insist that you split the bill. Don’t try to be a stingy serpent, lurking in the background. ‘Cause everyone knows what you’re doing, they just don’t want to debate your cringe.
Commandment Four: Thou Shalt Not Covet Your Neighbour’s Snacks
On a road trip, it’s tradition to share all the chips, lollies, and other snackeroos that make life worthwhile. However, too long after another soul’s sour worms before the packets even open? Mate, that’s just depraved.
Make sure you bring enough snacks so that you don’t have to rely on the charity of others. It’s better to be safe than to be starving.
Commandment Five: Thou Shalt Not Eat Too Much Jerky
As previously noted, jerky can ruin one’s road trip. Sure, a little bit here and there is iconic. But if you open pack after packet, you’ll perfume your car into a meat morgue. And trust me, nobody wants that.
Commandment Six: Thou Shalt Stop at Every Big Thing Your Road Trip Passes
The Big Thermometer. The Big Merino. The Big Apple. If you drive past one of these monuments, you must pull over. You must then pay your respects. You must say, “Wow, that is big.”
Commandment Seven: If the Driver REALLY Wants Contemporary Classical, Relent
Look mate, Dazza is really miserable that we switched off his tunes. Can we just do him this solid? He’s been driving for an hour, holding back tears.
Commandment Eight: Thou Must Consent to Punch Buggy or Windmill
Punch buggy: The art of punching your friends if you’re the first to see a yellow car. Windmill: The art of punching your friends if you’re the first to see a windmill. All fun and games if everyone consents to said battles.
This shouldn’t need to be said, but you shouldn’t randomly punch your friends with zero context. And if someone wants to retire from these gauntlets, let them retire.
Commandment Nine: Thou Shalt Stay Up With the Driver At Night
If someone in your car is driving through the night, make sure someone is staying up with them to bant. Otherwise, your driver turns from a pal into a miserable cross-country chauffeur.
Commandment Ten: No, Contemporary Classical Is Putrid, Turn That Garbage Off
I can’t believe we relented. Oh, AUX cord, my beautiful AUX cord, I am sorry, so sorry.
Related: A First Timer’s Guide to a Campervan Road Trip
Related: Ten Iconic Australian Road Trips to Tackle In Your Lifetime
Read more stories from The Latch and subscribe to our email newsletter.
