King Charles III: A man who has never made love in the back of a ute. A man who has never played Goon of Fortune. A man who has never done a 2.00am kebab run with his whippet-frazzled mates.
However, despite never deluging in these buckwild cultural exports, King Charles is a fan of Australia.
As George Brandis wrote for The Sydney Morning Herald, “Charles’ favourite place is Australia. He has visited many times in the years since Timbertop and is always eager to return.”
“So strong is Charles’ attraction to Australia that, in his 20s, he wanted to buy a home here,” continued Australia’s High Commissioner to the UK. “Apparently, the courtiers took a dim view of the evident favouritism for one nation of his future Realm, and the idea was quietly buried.”
What’s more, King Charles has backed Australia after natural disasters have struck. In 2020, he co-hosted a bushfire fundraiser and donated to our vulnerable communities.
On 6 May, King Charles had his coronation. With fanfare, pomp, and expense, this man became King of the Commonwealth. Now, Brandis believed that this was a day worth celebrating. He believed that it was a moment that all Australians should love.
However, while I can appreciate that King Charles stans Australia, while I can appreciate his bushfire donation, I cannot love him. And I could not love his coronation. The monarchy has done more harm than good.
This is because, even at the best of times, the Crown is Godzilla. It cannot march through a city and not cause debris and damage.
Take, for instance, September 22 of 2022. On this date, Australia organised a last-minute public holiday to honour the death of Queen Elizabeth II. What’s more, this public holiday caused a whack of vital surgeries and medical appointments to be rescheduled.
At the time, this caused people like Lucie Morris-Marr lots of stress.
“Whilst I support the public holiday for Australia to mourn the Queen, I’m probably one of thousands now fearing my cancer treatment will be cancelled on September 22,” said Morris-Marr at the time. “Treatment is usually planned weeks and months ahead, taking into account public holidays.”
Later on, Morris-Marr tweeted that her original appointment had been cancelled.
Now, is King Charles culpable for Morris-Marr’s appointment getting canned? I’d argue yes. At the time, he was the head of an institution that values loyalty over reason. An institution that values tradition over empathy. An institution that put one rich woman over the needs of our most vulnerable citizens.
King Charles became a giant lizard. Even if he didn’t release it, he was smashing parts of Australia. Additionally, King Charles has Godzilla’d again.
For his coronation, both our Prime Minister and Governor General flew to the UK. There was also a 21-gun salute in front of Canberra’s Parliament House. Neither of these activities would have been particularly cheap. And surely our tax dollars could go elsewhere.
However, swearing loyalty requires sacrifice. To have a king is to give more than you gain. This is what the Crown demands of its subjects.
So, King Charles, it’s time that we had a chat. It’s cool that you like Australia. Thank you so much for your donation. Yet, I cannot honestly love you. You’re the head of an institution that accidentally causes so much harm. You’re the head of an institution that colonised the Earth. There’s too much pain in my heart for me to kneel to a king.
In addition, I don’t believe that political power should be a birthright. Having the authority to change the tides of parliaments should be regulated to those with the right ideas, not the ‘right’ genetics. And if you believed this, you wouldn’t be perched upon a throne.
So, King Charles, I have an Australian recommendation. If you come here again, lose the crown. Kiss Queen Camilla in the back of a ute. Trust me, mate, trust me. Your life will be much brighter for it.
Related: King Charles III Has a Guesthouse in Transylvania
Related: Does the UK Need the Monarch and King Charles III?
Read more stories from The Latch and subscribe to our email newsletter.