Joel Burrows is a poet who has been published by Cordite, Going Down Swinging, and Stilts Poetry, amongst others. He’s also a huge fan of The Block. In this series, Block-etry, Joel recaps each episode of The Block’s 2023 season. Please enjoy his breakdown of who won kitchen week on The Block.
The Block — Episode 26
Part One
It took two hurricanes
To bring her
Closer to the landscape.
In the guts of
Steph and Gian’s house,
Leah, Ash, Kristy, and Brett
Offer them $5,000.
For Scotty Cam has devoured
His 100 hash browns
And 50 pieces of banana bread.
This man has texted me
that he isn’t coming to my place.
He is instead taking
Steph and Gian on
An all expenses paid
Trip to Hamilton Island.
For building a bedroom that
Would make all the Popes cry.
Leah, Ash, Kristy,
And Brett,
Well, they want it.
They want to
Own Hamilton Island.
So they offer
Steph and Gian $5,000.
It took two hurricanes
To bring her
Closer to the landscape.
Steph replies with a no.
Part Two
Friends, lovers,
I feel something terrible.
I have left Kyle
And Leslie
In the backseats
Of my car with the
Windows wound up.
They have a
Gameboy and
Some Starbursts
Between them.
They have been sitting
There for seven weeks straight.
They want to escape,
To join in on the melodrama.
Will I go back for them? No.
Kyle and Leslie,
It’s on them to
Unlock the doors.
Part Three
Dear Gian and Steph,
I owe you both an apology.
In my episode 25 letter,
I implied that you didn’t know
That Kristy and Brett
Were rabid honey badgers.
That you’d be
Shocked by their edit.
Now I know I was wrong.
In episode 26, Steph,
You say, “I genuinely feel
Bad for how they’re going
To appear on this show.”
“I don’t think they
Realise how bad they are.”
Dear Gian and Steph,
Your cheating scandal?
A lifetime ago.
Stay strong,
My builders,
Stay strong.
The Block — Episode 27
Part One
A quote from
Socrates, 470 BC.
“To have never won an
Episode of The Block,
Is to have never lived at all.”
As it stands,
Both Eliza and Liberty
Have never lived.
They are wondering if it
Is time to fire their builders.
“I hate it,
I hate it so much,”
Eliza tenses.
“Their workmanship is incredible,
And they’re great humans.
Where we’re struggling a bit is they’re
Struggling to adapt to The Block format,
Which is fly by the seat of your pants,
Last-minute decisions, and changes.”
They consult their
Moss wall for guidance.
Their moss wall doesn’t respond.
They go to fire their builders,
And then the unthinkable happens.
The builders, they’re killing it.
They are constructing
The kitchen’s walls
Like they’re slaves
To the Basilica Cistern.
“My feeling is
That they’ve caught
Wind of something,”
Eliza whispers.
“This is what we’ve
Been wanting all along,
And it’s conveniently
Happened on the day
We’ve made a decision.”
To have never
Won The Block is to have
Never lived at all.
Socrates, babe, you are toxic.
Part Two
If you were to steal every
Tear that was wept on
The Block, you could fill
Ian Thorpe’s swimming pool.
Oh, Leah is adding to
My collection right now.
She has to downscale
the size of her kitchen island.
Her bones are
Missing her
Children so much.
“This kitchen has
Knocked me,”
Says a stream
Of Leah’s tears.
“I really could
Completely stuff it.”
“The reality of the
Situation really scared us.”
Get ready, I’m going
To do cannonball.
I’m going to drink this pool dry.
The Block — Episode 28
Part One
In the early hours
Of rosy-fingered Dawn,
A camera crew
Enters Brett’s room.
“Leave me alone, please,”
Says Brett. “Go harass
Someone else. For f**k’s sake.”
“Constantly having
The camera in
My face annoys me.”
Reality TV: Noun.
Television programmes
In which ordinary people
Are continuously filmed,
Designed to be entertaining
Rather than informative.
“Have you ever
watched the show?”
The producer asks.
“Not much,” replies Brett.
Rosy-fingered
Dawn leaves to smoke.
Part Two
Scotty Cam:
The big cheese.
The bear
Wearing
A bear skin.
Scotty Cam hasn’t
Been to my house in ages.
On Hamilton Island,
He relaxed in a tanning bed
For 96 hours straight.
He’s now visiting
Eliza and Liberty,
Reviewing a
Kitchen island that’s
Bigger than their
Melbourne apartment.
“Your
Budget is
Cooked,”
Says Scotty.
Mint.
What a
Stunning piece
Of advice.
The Block — Episode 29
Part One
On the edge of a
Wollongong couch,
In the hot balcony
Sun of 2014,
The first love of my
Life shot my heart
With a panther tank.
I feel so sorry for
Eliza and Liberty’s builders.
This breakup,
I’m crawling
Into my couch.
Eliza cries into
The swimming pool.
The builders cosplay war vets.
“I want them to
Be successful,”
Says Mark, a man who
Has just lost his job.
“They’re happy,
That’s all that matters.”
Eliza cries tears in the pool.
Part Two
In the guts of
Leah and Ash’s house,
Three judges sway
Through their kitchen.
All three of them,
A golden grey island.
However,
As Leah’s
Prophetic,
Tuesday
Wakemares
Predicted,
There’s just
One issue.
“Is this a big enough island bench
For a multi-multi-million dollar home?”
A question asked by a judge.
Who won kitchen week on The Block?
To quote your conservative
Uncle that moved to Florida last year,
“It’s Jover, my dude. It’s Jover.”
Part Three
Eliza and Liberty.
Their kitchen island
Is bigger than their
Melbourne apartment.
Its length and width looms
Over the graves of their tradies.
This kitchen island made
Leah and Ash’s
Kitchen island need therapy.
It’s platinum grey.
It’s Bill Gates fancy.
“This is the first bench we’ve
Seen today that doesn’t have either
A cooktop or a sink,” said a judge.
“It’s just an unadulterated bench.”
This island will be
Shipped to Jerusalem.
It will become an idol
Which Moses would hate.
Their moss wall is jealous.
Eliza and Liberty
Score 30 perfect points.
Who won kitchen week on The Block?
The ghost of Plato is proud.
Part Four
It’s 8.30pm on a Sunday,
And the judgement
Thunderdome has concluded.
In a moment of
Stillness and quiet,
Kristy and Brett
Rest on a couch.
They are both wearing
Red hats that say:
“Make The Block Great Again.”
No, this is not a drill.
Nor is this a metaphor.
This is instead
A scrumptious plate
Filled with irony.
Who won kitchen week on The Block?
Please dig in.
The Block drops on Sundays through to Wednesdays on Channel 9 and the 9Now app.
Want more Block competition details this 2023? Read all of our coverage here, and click the links below:
- Recapping the First Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Second Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Third Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Fourth Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Fifth Week of The Block as Poetry
- Recapping the Sixth Week of The Block as Poetry
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